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I've got your number baby.

This is so familiar, posting pointless stuff after midnight and talking to random people on Facebook except I am also listening to a song by WILL SMITH and I don't know why. I didn't even know he could sing, its a rap song and I rarely like rap but it has a catchy tune to it and I like to imagine him doing a little jig while singing it so its funny especially after I saw The Pursuit For Happyness.

I like to scroll endlessly through pictures of landscapes and mountains and forests and any faraway place that does not reek of humans while listening to Opeth or God is an astronaut but I wonder why I am listening to Passion Pit instead? 8tracks does that to people I guess.

I don't know if I make sense or not but today I feel so low and left out, but then I feel ok again. Why can't I organize my feelings like everything else?

And this song goes like "Have you seen me cryyyy?"


I want to eat chilli potatoes for the rest of my life and listen to cheerful music.

the awkward moment.


Ha, of course. Who else?

He is the very definition of gorgeous, breathtaking and divine TALENT. His first album - Room for Squares - is magic.

I have it on replay for over a week now, and I am definitely not tired of it.

3rd week of 12th grade comes to an end, yeah I am counting. Last year of high school. I am so FLY. Yeah, I just wrote that so I must be.

I should be studying right? Not procrastinating. BOARDS.



emotions best left aside.

Oh god, being back on LiveJournal and reading my old posts, makes me feel nostalgic in an uncomfortable way. I mean it is sad to read all the moments that have gone by, and I was a fool not to appreciate them when I should have, instead of cribbing all the time and now I long for them to come back. Will it always be this way? Will I never learn to be grateful for what I have only to have it taken away and THEN, realizing its significance while regretting its loss for the rest of my live and living sadly in the past like an old spinster?

*sigh* I have missed this although I maintain a diary and a blog and a Tumblr.

Maybe I should come here more often. I just don't want to look back on these days and want them back because these are definitely NOT the best days of my life.

I need to clear my head and listen to John Mayer for the rest of my life.

everyday is a lesson.

when you finally stop chasing someone, and run away instead, they come running after you :S
i don't like this.
however, i am not as stupid as before and know how to manage my feelings (:

& just because he's having fun doesn't mean i should too. i mean its ok if i am living an awful, pathetic life cos someday i am going to happy too. & and i am not as bad off as living under a bridge or not getting food so okay, i'll survive.

I have to learn to be content with what i have AND be happy for others.

that is called growing up.


Much Later,

closer to the egde.

I'll never forget these times. They are the hard but i have learnt SO much.
Bottom line is you are ALL alone, so deal with it. People you talk to are mere distractions, nothing more.
I wouldn't have to worry about getting attached to anyone ever.
& i promise to NEVER cry.

Mom has been awfully sick for weeks, its mental torture at both home and school. I had these innumerable fights with so many people. Its true nobody stands by you in the tough times.
so yes, i can survive alone.
& i am not ashamed of being a bitch when i need to be one.

I am taking IB.
in the same school.

I am so excited about what i am going to do in university, after completing IB.
its great to be focused again.

Much Later,


going, going, gone.

 So i still don't know which school or board i belong to, what am i going to do next week and how will i ever pass the exams that probably start next month. Bottom line, I am screwed. Wish i was as chill as i sound.
But I am FREAKING out.
I stopped eating, like literally, to rebel or something but it just made my mom cry and now i have to eat twice the amount -.-
Also, i picked a fight with a friend of mine (but we made up) AND i cried to the point that i am plain tired now & sleepy after already taking a 3 hour nap already during the day.

But i don't know, after letting it all out i feel lighter, like actually. I had almost forgotten this feeling.

Btw, its over between me and the guy who used to be my best friend. Yesterday when he was again bored and called me after an eternity, I just sort of snapped and shouted on him. 
'if you don't have anything to say then just cut the call. Cos i am VERY annoyed at the moment'
& then he was just shocked and cut the phone after muttering something.
he didn't call ever since.

And for once, i don't expect him to.
Finally, I did push him away, although it didn't make me happy the way it should have.
Still, i wouldn't settle for the crumbs or be taken for granted, so i am a little proud of what i did.
Much Later,

i am just a person, but you can't take it.

I am so dead.
My parents say that the transfer to this other school isn't happening so i might as well stay here.
This CANNOT happen.
I can't survive two freaking years HERE. I mean i can't wait for the month to get over so that i can get out and they are asking me to spend 24 fucking months here?!
I don't know, get me another school, expensive or not. I'll be ruining my present AND future if i keep going here.
Its scary how the first thought that came to my mind after my parents gave the bad news was, i could just swallow down 3 aspirins and my ulcer will take care of the rest. I don't want to be a coward and end up in hospital, but this if i am to be screwed, why not do it myself?! (lol, that sounds weird).
But ever since, i am freaked out.

i mean, there are a few options.
I get transferred.
I go to this new, very expensive school my dad can't probably deal with at the moment thanks to financial problems.
I stay here and enter massive depression (also there goes my admission in any college here).

& then there are other far fetched options like hostel which i am not even considering.
basically, i have no idea what i will do.
I need a new door to open. Or something to be unlocked. Whatever it is.

end it already.

 I was doing fine until he called me today only to talk for a minute and then he had to go, so he said he will call back but never did. 
Sad story of my life.

Now i want to cry all over again. 

Besides I have to attend this pathetic wedding tomorrow a 1000 miles from here and stay there for 2 days. Mom can't come cos she has troubles with her feet.
I hate this.

Plus, its kind of finalized that i am going to the crowded public school i was so scared of. It makes me nervous but how does that matter anyway?

At the moment, all i want to do is cry LOUDLY. But i am going to read till i manage to fall asleep.
Please god, help.
Much Later,

& things change so you gotta move on..

 Its amazing how much things have changed since my last post. I was scared of going to some school which is crowded. 
Now I'd go just anywhere but here. He left the school. Just like that, he dropped the bomb on me before i could. 
Of course, i cried for ages and then came the depression. So much for being feminist.
At first, this place haunted me because everywhere i had these tiny memories with him even though they aren't much. Then i had the most awful day of my life when this kid won't stop troubling, he even had the gall to pull out my chair while i was sitting and i landed on the floor straight on my ass. 
The next day was not bad, and i ALMOST liked it.
Then came today, when he showed up out of the blue to give a retest. 
I don't know whether i was happy or not. Cos seeing him just ruined all the progress.
We didn't talk the entire day except at the departure when he wanted my earphones and called me that stupid name he has kept for me.
In that moment, I was VERY happy. But I had to leave just then.
It doesn't matter though. I realized today, we belong from two different worlds. I am not implying that people from seperate leagues can't make a good match. However, they have to put in the effort to make the other person a part of their life and be a part of their's too. 
But in our case, it just isn't happening.
He has a totally different life and i am nowhere in it.
All day he hanged out with his brother whom he hates, and played the guitar, which is his entire world apart from the Playstation.
Maybe once upon a time, i was a priority to him and i shall always cherish those moments, he called me everyday even if he didn't have his phone. But now things have changed and all i can do is accept them. Maybe I should have called him more often and made him feel important, but i have also accepted that i am not just that kind of a person. I cannot call somebody and expect them to leave whatever they're doing to talk to me.
So, I have decided now that, we are worlds apart and won't meet ever again (cos we never go on any outing) && we would hardly talk on phone or chat, i should eventually forget him. And it will be a happy memory forever.
I just look forward to my new life in a new school and hope for the best.
Also i wish him all the luck with HIS new life too. May he find the perfect person for himself.
I just hope we remain acquaintances (if not friends) and don't forget each other. I know, I won't.
So, even if i am not the happiest person right now and wish things hadn't turned out this way, i am done with being depressed.
I have learnt my lesson and I will live with it.
Much Later,

& will it ever stop?

 He did call. Day before yesterday, after I pinged him on the chat. Now, i feel stupid, crying my eyes out over a guy. I was right though, it hardly had bothered him, not talking to me. Because in these two days (since he first called), we haven't talked for more than 30 minutes cos every time he had to go 'urgently' only to play call of duty or watch TV. I mean SO little to him, like someone he would call for the few minutes hes bored and then, when he's passed all this free unnecessary time, he'd go back to doing whatever he was before. It just pisses me off.

My parents want me to change my school AGAIN because my A levels result will come out 2 months late than the normal schools, which means i might not get admission in ANY college in my country. This sucks. All the schools are about to start and hardly any one of them are offering admissions. The only school where i might have a chance, is a pathetic overcrowded place with the most unruly children.  I just hope they say NO and i can switch to IB (i'd rather go to some other place than that awful jungle) or stay here maybe. I don't want to go because of HIM and he doesn't even see beyond his PS 3 or whatever. Hostel is appealing but somehow, i don't want to leave my mom :/

But i know my priorities and they are definitely not a guy i would like to date. I have to pass high school with good grades and on time. 
Please god, make everything work out. I probably say that you don't exist but deep down i sort of believe that you do. 

I am shit scared. I have one week before school starts and i haven't even got the books. But I don't want to be accepted to this crowded school everyone is talking about.
I just need a third, better alternative.
Please, any magical, mighty power that rules the world, help me on this one :|
Much Later,

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April 2012


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